Boss-caught (dream becomes a real philosophical nightmare)

I was talking to a friend. I had finally calmed her down and gotten her to talk things out with me, so that she could focus on her own path again when ...

My boss at work comes into the room. Everything around her changes. She says she's been hearing some things and wants to know if I want to come in and talk to her.
No ... I don't.

and I woke up venting:
No I don't want to talk to you
the last 2 times did not go very well
when I needed you, you failed me
why would I want to make it a third time?
It's all about what you want to say, how you see things
I might as well have not been there, I was superfluous.
Now ...
You have your spies whispering negative gossip and innuendos in your ear
Because apparently that is the best way to get attention from you
and you trust them over reality
you trust gossip from your spy network over what is real
as you keep people here, placating them, who are bad
but those that are good you ignore or don't respect or appreciate
But
You won't listen to that
why should you?
you are on your power trip
you can see things however you like
i am just a peon
i am just a slave
no matter how high I jump when you say jump
you will still turn on me whenever you feel like it
just cause
my last boss pretended to care about me, too
gave me mixed blessings
said how reliable I am and a good worker
but over-reacted when she thought i was doing wrong
that piece of paper you have keep from her
where I was written up
I was put between two hard cases
I had to move with the current throwing me under
so I could survive it still breathing
bruised but alive
she threaten me with insubordination
"go home and think about it"
rather than listen to my side of things.
I was wrong period
It was not fair.

And you are not fair, either.
Therefore there is no point in talking to you
you have already cemented your opinion of me
you already give me piss-poor reviews that do not match all I do here
as if I am like everybody else ... I am not, nobody is
as if your little spies know me any better
they don't, they don't have the eyes in their hearts to see me properly

I deserve raises
I will never get one
I deserve respect
but that apparently will take it away from others
You are the kind of manager/boss
that in order to be seen as doing your job
you have to find ways to save the company money
I suppose
but why do you not give trouble to the workers who are actual bad workers
and instead give trouble to those of us just trying to do our jobs ...
with a smile, with a heart, with out getting a heart attack.

You've already made up your mind.
The security goons are already on their way
to escort me to the gates of oblivion
this apocalyptic landscape that is the US economy
go ahead, throw me to the debt hounds
for no real reason at all
but the ones you've made up based on lack of context spy rumours.

***

I was talking about something at work yesterday in the cafeteria
and my boss walked by
I don't know what she heard
or what exactly I was saying
I don't trust her
she relies on her 'little spies" instead of the truth
I can't really just be
I'm never going to get a raise!
I'm never going to be heard by her!
I have no idea what to say, how to say it, how to be myself while hiding at the same time
wearing a mask of lies for her to be calmed from seeing
I DO my job, and I am like the heart here.
I lift spirits.
But my work doesn't go appreciated
even if it did, I would then have to be at a constant work level that would be impossible to continue
GAWD this world sux!
I hate it here
there is nothing i can do about it
I am tired of it!
I am tired of the bullshit
I am tired of the deceptions
I am tired of the deceptions and bullshit WINNING

Vacation! (aka Was her smile going to save me?)

I am in an apartment, but it feels oppressive and dark. I have to get out of here!
SO STRESSED OUT!!!!

I find somewhere to go! I was invited? It's a road trip. I am on the road, driving for hours.

I am in a building complex. It has spacious rooms. It has several buildings. It seems more small town or near the woods than urban which is nice.

They are starting a festival. They want me to start it off with the traditional announcement! I know so little about it, why me? But they insist. I am nervous, I wonder if it is a trick, are they teasing me, setting me up to fail? It doesn't matter, I am going to do it, and if I am going to fail I am going to win doing it! I make a rousing impromptu speech. I catch the eye of this one woman.

I am travelling from one building to another on a path. I see a housing building. The woman who liked my speech the most is entering the building. I watch her progress, curious as to who she is. But then she stops short turns on a dime and is coming back out towards me. She catches me looking at her. Embarrassed, I look away. I continue to my destination, reaching it and entering the building.

Vague memory ... too dearth of details to help.

Now I am in my car, trying to get my stuff together to leave. I steal forlorn glances at that woman's residence. I see her walking with her friends, laughing. I hide in my work at getting prepared to leave. There seems to be so much to leaving, so much complication and stress! I don't want to go. I leave my stuff and start walking up to the woman to talk to her. Her friends see me and leave her. She is turning to face me and ...

-end of dream due to waking up-

Alert: adding dream posts from other journals here.

Hi, I am going to try to consolidate my dreams to this journal.
I am going to be sure they are dated when I had them.
For example, I am starting with my other blog here on blogger before i decided to separate my dream journal from my vents/life journal. So, the latest those dreams are is August 2009. SO entries I add from there (and delete from there) are from August 2008 back to December 30, 2008.
And I have yet to find my other bloggers or try to add in hand-written ones!

But I just wanted you guys to know, because I am not sure how they will show up if you follow or RSS me or however this works.

I am putting them here as-is. I guess the hard part is if I find any with comments. In that case I'll keep a copy where i found it with the comments, and add them inside the Dreampost at the end as a PS if they are mine or I find the comments especially enlightening to the dream :)

That is all, carry on! :o)

The Waiting (Rooms) Game

I am in a complex amalgam of a place. It has many areas to it. It has a house, a dorm room, a building too!

The building has a central cavernous room with lots of light switches and stairs. Seems awfully plain to me, white. Lots of stairs, going in different directions, to different doors, behind which I would be in a conference room, or an office, or a dorm room, or a house, or out in the woods somewhere. We are guided when in this building, a group of us, and ushered to go through a certain door. The group peeled off to go to different doors.
One time I am with a group and we need to recall what directions to follow. It was dark, not pitch black mind you, but more light would certainly help. So, voluntarily, I flicked on several light switches to help light our way. Even though not all the light switches worked, I felt some relief from my group. Still, a lot of them took pains to pretend not to notice or that it was not my doing or whatever. But 2 or 3 noticed and thanked me. I felt a little hurt from the people who acted as if this was nothing or even "wrong" while at the same time I felt embarrassed with the people who noticed and praised me.
A member of my family went so far as to run over to the light switch I just turned on and turned it off with much gusto and fanfare, but all that did was put ONLY members of my family in the dark (it was a weird effect, like an shadow spot light, a spot shadow?) and they slowed down as they couldn't see where they were going. I had to keep going with my group so I didn't have time to fix that.

(NOTE: I can't remember a lot now. Why do dreams fade from memory like this? Are they only in your short term memory or in a different memory bank altogether, made only for dreams, and it just so happens you can/it leaks to your short term?)

I open a door and I am in a house. Soon the members of my group that came with me change. They become other people, sometimes they look the same but their aspects of their lives are different. Some change more drastically. They all take on roles like actors. How interesting! Except now I am falling into my role as well. I mean to resist and stay ME so I can observe the others doing this, but I just gradually become my role instead.
I have to wait here. But I am not sure what I am waiting for will come to pass. I should, then, move on to something else, but I can't. I have to wait this out for as long as possible, even if it seems more like it is in vain and nothing will happen next. I can go to room to room, waiting room to waiting room I suppose, as I play the waiting game.
NOTE: Obviously this role I am playing is far more patient than waking me :o) I mean, I CAN be patient, but if waiting upsets me I get frustrated and angry and upset and impatient. If I feel I can't make progress because of my limitations (I don't have the best hand-eye coordination it seems, so if I have a task to try to fix something with small parts or it's not cooperating and just getting worse, it upsets me).
NOTE: I am missing details here as well like ... I got here by car, not by walking through a door, is one change to this role. I recalled some of the car ride here. I was not the driver, a friend saw me at the bus stop and picked me up. I am sure I dreamed that particular event because I talked to an online friend and that happened to her. I had "prayed" for that for her (and at the same time saw it in my minds eye), and moments later she tells me it happened! I hadn't even told her yet I was "praying" for that!

I end up in a room and I am looking through some of my stuff. One of my items is a scrap book and a Ziploc baggie full of stuff. I put the book on the table and dump out the contents of the bag. I am bored, so I decide to arrange the stuff from the bag on the table. I forget what they start out to be, but my memory is when they are mainly pictures of different women. Full body shots, smiling at the viewer. Most are close up of their smiling face. I arrange them in a matrix on the table like a game of Memory. I don't really look at them, I am just arranging them to pass the time.
Then I notice that some of the pictures have changed. One woman in the pictures starts to repeat. The pictures of her seem bigger. She is naked now. Then I look closer because I thought I saw a movement and it is sexual in nature now.
I am embarrassed, what if people see me? I am embarrassed to be embarrassed for being interested. It's her choice, I am just admiring the beauty of Creation.
Still ...
I hear that I can go now, so I quickly get all my stuff together in a bag to leave ... except I leave the scrap book and the pics on the table.
I am about to follow a nice woman when a man runs right in front of me, almost knocking me over! He runs into a wall, running too fast to stop, but he uses his arms to break his run into the wall and flips around and puts his back against the wall. Another man is coming towards him saying "No where to run, no where to hide, no more shadow fleeing from the sun, no more water trying to escape up the beach with the tide, for you no more bad fun, it's time to pay for those that cried". It sounded like a song.
The man being chased reached out for me, and for a moment I was looking through his eyes, and as I was I saw an escape route, the man chasing me had not come around the corner yet, I could still be safe!
But I manage to "pull" myself away. I see the man from myself again and he is reaching out, but this time more plaintively. (It's as if if I am him he can escape, but if I'm not he can't?) I turn around and walk away. I try to go through the door that girl went through, I see her through the glass. (Is it a regular door in a hallway, or a shop door, or a shower door?) I see her turning around and smiling at me.
"Finally" I think as my hand turns the handle "I can be --" and I stop short as I swing the glass door open.
Because when I reach the other side she is not there. I stop and stare, confused. Too late I run back to the door, but it has closed and locked. Is it my fault or did it just happen or was it done to me out of cruelty?
She is gone. My pack is gone, too. All I had is gone (pack), all I was going to have is not there (girl).
And then this entire world is gone because that is when I wake up. I have a mix of relief and melancholy.

Apartment Neighbor Trouble

I am in an apartment, I think. But sometimes it feels like a big house.

I wake up and decide to go shower. I turn on a music machine (computer? It lists a disc or playlist I had forgotten I had made so I played that.) I like the songs so I want to find a way to keep the music playing as I shower. The shower is just around the corner.
So, I go to the door to the hall to close it. I hear a dog and i imagine it is in the kitchen (I see the kitchen in my mind's eye).
I close the door, but see there is a bending door behind it. Like an accordion door. What is behind THAT door? Another shower! But, why is there a shower here when there is already one in the back of the room>? This is just the shower, nothing else. The other shower is a full bathroom.
So, I go back to the big shower room and take a moment to listen to this song who's lyrics have caught my attention. It sounds like Emmylou Harris. The lyrics and simple beauty of the song stop me, and I remember who I made this playlist for. It was for a girl that was very special to me but apparently I wasn't special enough to her.

***

Now I am back in bed but in a different position. I feel like I am higher, like this room you get to with steps from the room before, and this bed is raised even more. There is a window by the bed. I hear quite the commotion outside. I try to part the blinds, but that doesn't work so raise them. I can look out he window, it looks like it is a few hours from dawn or dusk. I can see a hill with trees on it. The window looks painted with rain drops. But I can't see what I am hearing. I press my cheek to the window trying to crane my neck to see ... I can feel the coolness of the window stealing my heat away.
So, I raise the sash. At first it doesn't catch, so I try again and it catches this time. I still can't see but I can hear better. I hear people wondering and complaining against a neighbor. I hear a dog barking from being upset.
So, I raise the screen next, and now I can freely pop my head out into the air. I want to see and not be seen at the same time. I see a man, he's white and doughy. He is yanking a dog around with a leash, and the dog has had enough!
Suddenly I see the man struggling not only with a dog, but also a man in a uniform. A dark navy blue uniform with gold patches. A security guard ... a police officer? I can't be sure, but he is a big strong white guy. The neighbor is complaining against the dog and the Uniform at the same time. The uniform subdues the man and starts taking him away. He stops a moment to pat the dog. The dog stops barking and licks the Uniform's hand. A female neighbor (white as well, long hair, looks young like she is in her mid-20s, athletic) comes up and takes the dog. I do not know if it is her dog or if she is offering to keep it while the man is taken away.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is "Darn, I never did get that shower." lol!

Summer Camp of Doom

I dreamed I was in a hotel/apartment complex/dorm room type place. Lots of other people at some place where we did things. We seemed to be in our 20's I suppose. But I seemed to be spending most of my time in my room. I went out to activities, groups, but I either didn't really like them or didn't really feel right about the people there.
Later, I think it is nearly time to go, maybe later today. I hear all these people in the hallway, but I am still trying to sleep. I get up, sit at my desk, turn the computer on, but I am too sleepy so I go back to bed. But I can't sleep because I keep hearing the people in the hallway.
I am upset at them for not letting me sleep more, it is only 5 am (then 7 am) I want to sleep more and I can. But when I get up and look out the door I see them all having a great time. So, I smile at that and walk into the hallway. But it is if I am a ghost. No, worse than that. They see and hear me, but they are either preoccupied with their games/activities, full up, or don't ask me to join them.
Maybe I need to shower and dress first (dream logic here lol) so I go back and shower and dress and come out with some cool thing we can play with (forget what it is), but as I go to my door, at first it is stuck.
Then it looks like it's been damaged on the sides. But I am frustrated with it not opening and so I keep wiggling it to get it open ... and I do! But the whole door comes off the frame! Now what am I going to do? Surely now people are going to come in and steal my stuff. This looks so stupid. Why wasn't I more careful and patient? But wait ... it looks like I just "finished the job" started by others, because I see evidence of people trying to pry the door open from the outside.
So now I am pre-occupied with worry about the door. My computer and stuff are in there! But I can't stay in that room all day. Well, actually, what happened after I cleaned up was that the phone rang. I thought "good, Katelin is calling me to wish me a happy birthday!" and yes that is what I actually thought in the dream lol! So I pick up the phone all excited, forgetting all my troubles, when I hear the voice I am shocked. It is my dad! Well, OK, this may be OK, I will listen to what he has to say. "John, I am coming to pick you up." I answer "How do you know, how do you know where I am?" "I know you are failing and can't handle things on your own so it would just be best if you stopped .." I cut him off and say "Dad, please just let me be. I love you but you keep pushing me away by trying to make me not myself." "Now, John, your mother is crying. Just do as I say." I hang up the phone.
I try to brush it off and just look to be with people, but they are STILL in their own little worlds. But now it seems the majority of them are doing things I don't want to do ... drinking and other stuff. Great, so no family or friends. That's OK, it is almost over here.

So I end up approaching a group of girls that are like "camp counselors/guides". I stand there, waiting for them to notice me so I won't be rude. But they don't say anything to me. They are supposed to be here for us, to answer questions and help us with knowing the schedule and where things are and what to do, etc. But they are instead talking about makeup, gossip about movie stars, and boys. ugh!
So, I clear my throat and say I need some help.
"Duh! You are fat bald and old and you dress like a ... I don't know what. And you can't shave worth a damn!"
No, I need help with something here. When are the shuttles to take us to the airport coming? She just rolls her eyes and answer under her breath "it's written on your schedule just look at that." Then I tell them my door is broken, off it's hinges even, what do I do? They just glare at me and walk away! "OK, thanks, sorry to have bothered you." I say to their backs. I wasn't sarcastic.
I go back to my room. I want to call a friend, but I see the phone is pulled out from the wall. Did I do that after talking with my dad? I go to the computer but it won't turn on. So I go to bed again. I lie on my back, but then I can't breathe. Maybe if I move I will be able to breathe again. I manage to move my hand to cover my heart. But I can't feel a heart beat!

I wake up like that. Lying on my back, not breathing with my hand on my heart not feeling a beat. I sense something to the side of the bed, and it leans towards me and then I can breathe again and I turn over on my side.

I do not recall all the details nor have I recorded them here just as they all happened because it is hard to recall and being in the dream is different when you wake up, but this includes what happened and how I feel it is OK to fill things in.

Slow Moving Flood

I am in the back of a car behind the passenger seat. An adult female (kind of like Trish's sister Barb = white, average height/weight, brown hair) is driving. A young woman is in the passenger seat (athletic, slightly taller than average maybe, white, light brunette, smiling face) and 1 or 2 other passengers in the back a female with dark brown hair with blonde highlights and perhaps a male?
The woman in the back and I have some friction between us I don't know why. I hardly notice the other male. I am neutral with the driver she seems to like me ok. The passenger in front ... we seem to have a deeper connection.

Many events occur. I cannot recall all details, but they include:

Driving through floods.
Often we come across roads already flooded and have to drive carefully or go another way.
One time we are driving down a road with country on both sides when a wave 1/2 the height of the car is seem coming towards us. We have time because for some bizarre reason the wave is very slow moving! Like in slow-motion.

(I forget the rest and did not have time to write it down further than this)