My through-point of experience in this dream is a woman this time. Someone like Amanda Tapping = Stargate SG1, Sanctuary, Supernatural -- apparently she only plays in TV shows that start with an "S" ;-) I was watching her, I think also WAS her. Sometimes I saw through her eyes, sometimes like a 3rd person perspective.
I am distraught. I am in a corner, screaming and crying. There is rubble here, there are fires here, there are dead bodies here. Is everyone dead? Is the whole world lost? This cannot stand! I have to find a way to fix this, but not here. I have to get out of here and now ... ALL heres and nows. I can fix this, this cannot stand.
*scene change*
I am on a beach with many other people, I am with three others, specifically. The sun is in my eyes bouncing off the water, maybe that is it -- maybe that is why I feel disorientated. But what of the deja vu?
"Tommy? Tommy!" That is not me calling out, is it? No, it is one of my friends. "Did he go swimming? I told him not to go in the water. He could dip his toes in, but ... TOMMY!!!"
I dive into the water but it is more like I am pulled into the water. As if I am following a zip-line into the water, it is hard to explain. I look and look for the boy but I cannot find him.
I am back on the beach, dry. I watch myself walking along the beach with the man the woman and the boy Tommy. We must have just arrived. They do not see me watching them. I can do it if I go in earlier.
***
I am soaking wet now lying on concrete. It is like a waterway. I cough up water and get up and stumble into a corner and fall into the corner. Wait, why does this corner seem so familiar? It seems wrong, the opposite. Water instead of fire, whole instead of broken, no one else around instead of dead bodies. Have I fixed it by fixing a different personal tragic memory?
***
I am back in the concrete waterway, soaking wet. My eyes are still closed. I feel another hand another arm brushing against mine. I slowly open my eyes, maybe it is him maybe it was all a dream and ...
But no one else is there. That arm brushing mine, that hand touching my arm, I can still see it! It's MY arm brushing against my arm! It is MY hand touching me! WTF? I am not fixing anything, I am only making things more complicated!
***
But before i can do anything I am back on the beach. Well, actually far out in the water. I hear the others calling out for Tommy. What is that strange seaweed? It is human hair! I see a face bob up and take a quick gulp of air -- it is Tommy! I swim over to him to save him. I am a whisper away from saving him when --
***
"We must stop this, it is not working." It is a very tall thin man in a robe with a monk-like hood. I cannot make him out.
"It is working, we just have to make a few more adjustments," I reply.
"We aren't fixing anything, we are only making things more complicated."
"We can do it. If I save him, I can save us all. If I just can imagine saving one so important to me I can use that to focus my energy on saving us all."
"You aren't listening to me. You aren't hearing me. You aren't seeing what is actually going on."
"I don't see? I see the horror. Don't you? You remember that day just as I do when our heads are clear."
"Now, let's not relive --"
"YOU crawled over to me. Do you remember? YOU comforted me. You said we would make it through. If we can make it, then all is not lost. You chose the end of everything to tell me I was your everything. Yet again, you proved you have the worst timing."
"I know what I did. I know what I said. That does not justify all of what came after, it--"
"You did not disagree at the time! You HELPED me to figure it out! I shared my doubts but you allayed them. Why are you doing the opposite now? I was so close, I almost saved him before you pulled me out of there!"
"I know all of that, but I was wrong. I was lost in the grief, but the truth of the matter is too plain for me to be blinded by pain anymore."
"Maybe you don't want to save him, or maybe there is someone else you don't want to save."
"What?"
"Don't play dumb. My fiancee was killed. If he were alive along with everyone else, you would miss your chance!"
"No! How could you think that of me? We cannot change time, all we can do is make more of it."
"And what is so wrong with that? Even if I say you are right, isn't that the whole point? To have more time?"
"Not like this, we've already made a mess of things."
"And it will get messier. Anything to get things done right."
"But --"
She disappears from him as he watches time get even more complicated from his place outside of it all. All he can do now is to monitor the edits, try to smooth out as many wrinkles as possible. He cannot stop her, it would only make things more complicated. She has to stop herself. I understand why she is doing this I take my responsibility. Because it is not a simple matter. It's ... complicated.
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