I go outside on a nice day, I am playing with someone maybe my sister? One thing we do is kick a ball back and forth. Just playing outside ... relaxing, getting exercise. But my mom is outside, too. Watering? She quickly tries to make innuendos in the form of three questions, each one more poisonous than the last. She is accusing me of using up her spices on her flowers! She is upset I am wasting her spices and trying to harm her flowers.
At first I am confused and try to figure out what she is talking about. This only gets her accusing me more, as if I am lying/denying.
Then once I kind of figure out what the heck she is talking about, I tell her I didn't do it. Again, I must be lying there is no reality where i did not do it. She ads to this by saying she KNOWS I did it, she set up traps and i fell into every one. (this part is new, I don't remember her saying it this way in reality, but it doesn't surprise me. More symbolic and possibly what she was doing). My mom is sure I am the wrong doer, and I must be punished! SHE IS WRATH, she starts to come over and I know she is going to hit me.
Right then, my dad comes out and says he put the spices on the flowers. They seemed to be too wet and he was using the spices to dry them up. "Ok!" says my mom and turns back to her watering, content. Firstly, neither my dad or anybody came to my defense against my mother. But I can see why I dreamed it this way. Because it illustrates the dynamic between my father and the rest of my family.
When I was the sole suspect, I was a terrible person and I was going to PAY! But as soon as my dad says he did it, it was the right thing to do and it is not questioned, it is simply accepted as reality. No curses, no threats, no questioning, no follow up. Simply acceptance. Acquiescing.
***
This upset me, does nobody else actually care or understand how words and emotions can harm others? It is if they are blinded to what emotions actually do! They either have no self control (mom) or use words as weapons of persuasion your emotions do not go on his radar (dad). I almost woke up, but instead I had more dreams. This next one closely follows the first. I am sleeping at home, and I wake up one day with a start. WHY AM I STILL IN THIS SLAVE HOME? I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, WHY AM I STILL HERE? So, the quest is on for ... my shoes. :) They are like ADIDAS, they have those upside down Nike Swoosh. They are white on black running shoes. I have to be sneaky to find my sneakers, for if my dad finds out he will talk me out of them.
I find them and I start to put them on but, my dad walks into the room. All nonchalant. He is talking about his creative ideas for work and ... I find myself in another room dusting without my shoes on. What the heck? He finally leaves and I see my shoes are right there in the middle of the room, mocking me, daring me to put them on. So, I am finally able to break away from using the cloth and lemon spray on the wood to go put my shoes on. But no sooner do I have them tied but my dad's voice comes from somewhere asking if I remembered to ... and I am washing windows in another room while my dad is getting a bunch of my family to clean and do other things as well. With minimal effort, they just stop whatever they were doing and do as he says!
I gather my strength and yell, "ENOUGH!" My dad flinches but he covers it up quickly by pretending what I said matters not. He says a few words and the family (brother, sister, sister-in-law, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.) shake their head at me and just keep on doing whatever he says. I throw down my rag and I walk out. I gather my strength again and say, "Until we can have a conversation where there are actually not just your ideas, dad; what is the point of talking? My will is not bad, it is just different and my own. But, no. Only your will exists. Is there so little room for others, what is it that you really fear that you need so much control?" As I go out the front door, I hear them all say in unison "Just do as he says, he is only doing this because he loves you." I am stopped cold, a shiver runs down my spine, I have one foot out the door and one foot in, and I am frozen like this. Trapped between freedom and slavery ... forever.
And I wake up with this thought rolling in my head ... on a Friday. yAy!
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