I start to stir awake. My mom peaks around the door to tell me I am keeping my dad waiting and how rude that is. But I am so tired so I am having a lot of trouble trying to get up. And ...
wait a minute! My mom ... my dad? Why are they in my apartment?
I get up (whilst still in bed) so I can look out the window behind me. I am on the second floor (my apartment window is at ground level) and I see the trees and the creek and everything that makes me realize that I am NOT in my apartment, I am instead at my parents house.
I feel confused and trapped. How can I get out of here? How did I get here question is not as important as how do I get out.
My dad appears at the door and at first he walks in as if nothing was wrong. But then he has closed the door and has me sitting across from him. He is in a higher chair than mine, but I am able to make my chair even with his. I could have made it higher, but I didn't want to. Even with his was fine enough. He smirked at that but then tried to pretend it didn't bother him, or that I was clever enough to figure that out on my own ... or that it happened at all.
The conversation is one-sided. It is banal and all about him. He doesn't ask a single thing about me, what I am going through, because everything he talks about turns back to being about himself.
I ask him follow up questions, which he is very pleased to answer. Then I tell him a quick note about myself. But I get no follow-up questions or much reaction from him, when I got the very opposite when we were talking about him.
I point this out to him. He says it doesn't matter, it is always about him, forever. He shakes his head in agreement with himself and makes a motion with his head for me to look behind me. I do and see my mom also shaking her head, but she has an overlay transparency of my dad's face on top of hers that is barely discernible. Then I see my sister and brother do the same. Then my uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and so on start to protest but then come within sight of my dad and they stop mid-sentence, shake their heads along with him, and a transparent overlay floats closer to their faces.
I start to get terrified. But instead I say "I don't care how many people you brain-wash the person you most need to manipulate will never give up his true destiny. I will never give up completely. I pity you for trying to change everybody else so that you do not have to change, and you HAVE to change, but you won't. It's worse because you then brain-wash everybody else to follow you like you are a cult leader or something! You can have a small comfort in knowing that even though you have failed with me, I have also failed with you. But the difference is that your failure is a good thing and mine is not."
He returns: "I have you! You are going to come home this Christmas, period! I am tired of your willfulness!"
"It is not my willfulness that is the problem here, it is yours. Let down your lying eyes so you can see things as they truly are. Face your fears by facing reality not with your logical brain but with your heart. You are a living dead because your heart is dead."
Then I like saw my heart and was able to leave .... I can't describe it correctly.
This dream report is part real dream and part addition as I write it. I feel this is part of the "story" so I can do it this time, but I wanted to add that disclaimer.
What do I remember? My mom coming in and out, realizing I was at their house instead of my apartment, wanting to find a way to get the hell out of there, being stopped by my dad before I can even leave my bedroom, the conversation starting out calm then I stated my Power. I walk out but my mom tries to stop me for my dad, and other hands that I sense are my other family members, and they all feel like my dad's. I start to panic and give in to terror, but then I imagine the voices of my online friends and some co-workers (I guess, maybe they were angels) and they are under the surface of the noise. Then I follow their advice and look in my heart, there I see the truth, and I am able to let that dream fade away. But the end is kind of vague.
Anyways, it helped me feel less guilty for not going home for Christmas. It would just be another fake guilt-trip awkward brain-washing-session. A lie, not love. False peace. I would be surrounded and out-numbered and still not seen as me, still not able to just be. I would have had to smile and nod and pretend. I would have had to stay just long enough, but make up a story that I had other Christmases to attend to.
So, instead of all that mess, I am staying alone in my apartment.
But it's OK :) I am better being me, I can lift spirits and be a WaySeeker and hopefully also a WayShower! That would be cool. Not MY way (I will follow that myself), but your way. Helping you help yourself guide yourself from your own heart. Just, amplifying that still small voice.
i don't know how to describe it correctly ...
It is a work in progress.
No regrets, no making my heart heavier.
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