Alonechestra

Stuff happens before this, but I forget what now. I am in a group, we are going place to place, as it goes on, I get closer and closer to this one girl out of all the people, even though I talk to others and they talk to me.
One time it is night and we are at a restaurant. It all seems so fun and easy. I am happy, forgetting myself, not worried about anything, talking to this one girl with ease, this friend.
It is nice to just hang out with them, with her. I feel myself without any ego or worry, I can just be.
She can just be as well.
Existence With Ease

...

Our group makes it to the Orchestra Stadium. There are many layers. I get separated from her and make my way up to find us good seats.
But the climbing is hard, very hard. You really have to hang on and pull yourself up step to step, others are having trouble too. It feels very dangerous trying to climb. Very steep narrow steps, each one very high. People grasping the few hand rails for support.
I get some great seats, but where is she? I go looking for her. I have to climb down.
Climbing down is far worse!
I see a male child, just from the back, and I worry about him. As well as a few others. Who built this place? Why does it have to be so hard?
I get to one indentation / level and then climb down much more manageable steps to get to the very bottom, which almost seems like it's "under the bleachers" kind of a place.
(at some point, there seems to be a time where we get to talk with the Conductor.)
That's where I find her. I crawl in there, and it has no seats and you can't really see out very well. There seems to be a view of huge screens, but it is hard to tell.
I ask her why she picked this place, how can she see anything?
She asks me where my special packet from this place is. It is a large white envelope as big as a book and has lots of stuff in it.
So, I go back up a level, I am sure I saw them there.
I did, I go to ask for mine, but stop. Where is my Event Badge, where is my Orchestra Ticket, where is my Identification (wallet)?
I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING.
So, I get panicky. I get quiet and I let others go in front of me. I try to speak up, but I'm not very confident or convincing so others keep passing in front of me/called forward by the employee.
He has some kind of light board there, he is having a good time with a customer who is in awe of it, a little boy (well, 12 early teens).
I kind of sneak around them and find my packet and move out of there.
I go back to the girl but ...
she's not there any more.
Nobody is, there is no sign anybody ever was.
So, I go looking for her. I told her where I found us great seats, maybe she went there?
I clamber up the steps and ...
now the place has changed a bit.
For one thing, there is a piece of ceiling over this section, now.
And other things. But it seems to be the same place just different.
I pass by all these people in my Group, but not a single one acknowledges my presence. I am still panicky from my packet-getting episode and then not finding her, so I go all quiet.
It bothers me that nobody acknowledges my presence, even if I don't really have much to say right now (which is why I don't start any conversations) and I'm melancholy, still why isn't anybody acknowledging me?
Is that her? She is turned from me, I can see her cheek but her eyes are not facing mine so she can't see me.. She is there third in that row.
I smile and my hand starts to rise to make a wave at her. But, my smile fades as my hand falls back to my side.
She isn't seeing me.
A male on one side and a female on the other side of her now have her attention.
Is it really her? How can I be 100% sure?
Maybe it isn't. It probably isn't. So, that means I still do not know where she is.
I don't want to bother this girl that just MIGHT be her.
I don't want it confirmed that she doesn't want to talk to me, or acknowledge me, or remember me.
I walk back down the row towards the stairs on the outside. A conversation pops up, they are wondering about something on the ceiling/arch like place above them. One asks the other "are they alive, are they tiny birds or insects or what?" I look up. I see like living lights, it's hard to describe. They are not simple balls of light, they have some shape to them, but it's fuzzy and indistinct. Like a loose form of a bird, I'd say most likely. They are light primary colors, like Easter colors, those odd washed-out colors of red and blue and green and yellow.
But I loose interest and keep on walking.
I go back to the place "under the stairs" where I first saw her, but still nobody else is there. I just stand there, hunched over a bit because the ceiling is too low, in a haze of melancholy.
Soon, everything fades to white. I can stand up now, and move around, and see shadows of things and people as it were, but I don't care.
I put my hand up to my heart, it should be racing, but I don't feel anything. It's like I don't even exist. But I don't exist inside something, surrounded by others. But they all pass me by, and they are oblivious of anything being wrong.

I wake up with my eyes closed. I bring the melancholy back with me ... great, first dream I recall in a long time and this is what I gain from it? I feel over my heart, but I feel nothing. I press my hand in, still nothing.
I type these words ... still nothing but ghost-beatings. I feel it beating, but when I put my hand there nothing. It is like it is beating from far away, through layers upon layers of gauze. I sense it, kind of feel the dull thudding. But my hand feels nothing.
Not even on my jugular.
I test my fingers, they can still feel.
I test my body, it is still there ... dominated by a threatening intestinal gurgle that means I do not want to give it any release or it will all come out.

IS this my answer? Is this what my life really is? I should care, I should be motivated, but all I feel is my intestines gurgling more and more. And quiet still constant breathing.
And I wander off again with that. Another stop in the bathroom just in case, then off to bed for like 3 more hours sleep if it will let me back in.

Make that two more hours ...

meh